walkitout (walkitout) wrote,
walkitout
walkitout

My Worst Self

As I've been rereading Jeaniene Frost's Night Huntress series, and talking to my ex-girlfriend girlfriend R., I've been thinking a lot about how to describe myself accurately, and not in a way _intended_ to make people despise me, but which is state without concern for how someone else might judge. There are actually several instances of the characters doing exactly that in the Night Huntress series, and they serve to develop character and advance the plot in really compelling and believable ways. These are characters who improve over time, not by becoming someone else, but by becoming a better version of their core selves, even in those areas where their cores selves are unbelievably annoying.

I know I participate a lot in the current culture of fact checking. And I know I can go on and on (<-- hopeless understatement) about things which are absolutely obvious, not to mention boring. But recently, I've realized that's not sort of a hobby, or a surface characteristic of me. That is me. That's what I do. My worst self is basically someone who will relentlessly explain to you, over and over again, in way more detail than anyone ever wanted, something that you didn't think you had failed to understand. Obviously, sometimes I'm explaining it to someone who really does understand -- better than me. But my best/worst self actually spends a lot of time saying, you know, I don't think you understand. Here, let me try again, and then repeating it in yet another way, with different words, because the person I'm harassing really doesn't understand. Not only do they not understand, they actually really believe that either there is nothing here _to_ understand, or they already fully understand, or, incongruously, both at the same time.

It (ambiguous antecedent intended) is incredibly annoying. Also, occasionally, helpful. And I think if I understood this better, I could do it better (and maybe be a smidge less annoying about it. Baby steps.).
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